If you're a recent widow or widower I'm deeply sorry. My condolences to you. I know it's a tough situation and I'm sorry you're going through that. There's so many things you have to deal with on top of the grieving.
I was widowed when my twins were 11.5 months old. My husband passed away in Hawaii on a company trip.
Here are the 10 things I did:
Don't Make Any Major Decisions for 6 months to 1 Year
One of the biggest bits of advice I can tell you is this: Don't make any major moves for 6 months to 1 year. This was the advice that I received from my counselor. At first I thought I was going to move out of state. I'd call my counselor and she would gently remind me, "Lailah, don't make any major moves for at least 6 months to 1 year." Then I'd have an idea to move to a different state! I'd call her and she'd remind me. I'm so glad she was there to give me that advice because I ended up buying a brand new house and it's perfect! We're close to our church, my daughters' enrichment program, my parents, and friend. If I had moved to a different state, I would have been alone and that would have been harder.
If you don't have life insurance at all, buying some coverage I think is important. To learn more about buying life insurance go here. After my husband died one of the first things I did was buy life insurance. I know I initially said not to make any major moves, but I consider life insurance to be one of the most important and foundational financial products that everyone needs. If you have young kids and something happens to you, you want to make sure that whoever takes care of your kids will have the financial ability to do so.
Life insurance also has living benefits depending on the carrier you buy so if you get a heart attack, cancer, stroke, etc you could use the life insurance while you're alive. Whether you remarry or not, having living benefits is very important. Health insurance and medicare won't pay for your bills or mortgage if something happens to you and you can no longer work. It also protects your retirement and savings. That's where living benefits comes into play.
1a. Update your beneficiaries. Take a look at your existing life insurance, bank accounts, investment accounts etc and make sure your beneficiaries are updated especially if your spouse was the beneficiary.
1b.Get a Trust. Click here to learn more about estate planning. If you have young children, you'll need to figure out who will take care of them in case something happens to you.
3. Beautify Your Home
I made my home to be a place that I looked forward to come home to. I bought beautiful art work that I found on Offerup. I decorated with beautiful flowers in vases. I set up diffusers with some of my favorite scents. I donated his clothes and gave it away to mutual friends and family and sold other items. I kept some items for my daughters. I know that giving away clothes and items can be very difficult for some widows and widowers. Perhaps a suggestion would be to take some of your favorite items of your spouse and store it in a nice container or box. I personally didn't want to come home to a space that felt depressing so I wanted my home to reflect our new beginnings.
4. Accept Community
If you're normally the type of person who closes off during difficult times, I encourage you to do something different and accept community. If my friends or acquaintances would ask to come over I would say, "yes." It's a nice gesture because they would want to bring food for us so I graciously accepted. Even if I was overwhelmed or a bit of an off mood, after hanging out with my friends I'd generally feel better and happy to have the support and community around me. If people offer to bring you lunch, accept it. On the other hand, some people don't know how to handle tough situations like this and they may be avoidant. I experienced that as well. I experienced people who I would have expected to show up for me to not reach out at all. Then other people completely surprised me by showing up for me and to this day, we are very good friends. If you have people who aren't reaching out to you, it could be that they think you need space. Reach out to them.
5. Be Open with Kids
Of course this is a case by case basis and it depends on the age of your children etc. As my daughters developed language and better understanding I was very open with them about their Daddy being in heaven with Jesus. I have pictures up of my husband in their bedroom so they are aware that they have a Daddy, but he's with Jesus. As they got older they would ask how he died and I explained he died in a waterfall. I think them growing up knowing their Dad passed way will become normal for them. They won't know any different rather than if I had not spoken about it at all.
6. Know That You Will Have a Lot of Questions and Healing Takes Time
Whether you have faith or not, it's normal to ask questions, to trace back your steps, to possibly have unfinished conversations with your spouse. What helped me was 2 Corinthians 5:8 "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." Also this verse: "And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them." Psalm 139:16. In other words, God knew that would be my husband's last day on earth even though I didn't know. It wasn't a surprise to God. Also, God sees the entire picture so He has a plan for my life.
7. Do Things That You Enjoy
Do things that you enjoy. I liked going to the beach, the mountains, the movies etc. I started making perfumes and soaps! I tapped into my creativity. I created financial journals and gratitude journals. I learned how to garden. Tapping into my creativity really helped me heal.
8. Find Groups Either Online or in Person
You can find some groups online, but I found that a high majority of the widows and widowers in the group are heavily grieving so a lot of the posts are about how distraught they still feel. Studies show that if we read or see posts that are depressing will make us depressed. You may try some church groups as well.
9. Write a To-Do List
After he passes away I had a to-do list of over 120 things! I would add to my list on my phone as they would come to mind. I added everything like close credit cards, buy life insurance, change beneficiaries, pay bill, update landlord, etc. Everything that came to mind I would write down and one by one I started to tackle it all.
10. Relationship with God
This is by far the most important thing I did. I leaned on God. I had to trust Him fully with everything. I didn't have a husband to lean on so I leaned on God. I know you're probably thinking, "Why would God let my spouse die?" That's a complete post on its own. But, in summary, we live in sinful and fallen world where death and destruction exists. Our ultimate kingdom is with God where nobody will ever shed a tear. I know my time here is temporary. Eventually, we'll be reunited. If you don't know where to start, you can start reading the Book of John, Luke, and Acts in the Bible. Find a local church that believes in the trinity and that Jesus the Son, God the Father, and Holy Spirit are all divine and that salvation is through Jesus Christ. If you'd like to discuss this more, feel free to reach out to me.
Finally, if you'd like to get an overview of where you are in your finances, please download this free financial planning blueprint.
Watch the video here.
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